Red State ™ Health Insurance Q & A

January 21st, 2010

Question: I've come down with a case of lung cancer. What are my options?

Answer: we're glad you asked. The first thing to keep in mind is that operations are expensive. We here at Red State ™ Health Insurance would like to recommend you get your affairs in order, because short of God coming down from heaven itself to remove your tumors, you're doomed. Red State ™ Health Insurance believes in living a healthy lifestyle - if you did, you wouldn't be sick in the first place.

We know you were told that smoking was perfectly safe by our sister company, Red State ™ Alcohol, Tobacco and Methamphetamine Products, but the truth is they were mistaken. And thanks to Red State ™ Conglomerate's efforts to reform the law, there is no such thing as 'false advertisement' any longer, so they can literally say anything they want - and you really call them liars, for that would be slander.

After all, who's going to scientifically prove them wrong? Red State ™ Conglomerate owns all scientific facilities in the Red States of America now.

Question: my doctor says I'm going to be fine, if only you will approve my claim for cholesterol medication.

Answer: sucks to be you, huh? If you hadn't ate so many hamburgers, you wouldn't even need that medication. At Red State ™ Health Insurance, we consider eating badly a 'pre-existing condition', and thus cannot cover your medication. So go on and follow the Red State ™ Health Insurance philosophy: if you're at all sick, go die somewhere quickly where we can't see you.

Out of sight, out of mind! Did we forget to mention that our sister company, Red State ™ Afterlife Products, has a great selection of coffins, urns, and funeral packages to mark your passing on into heaven? Also, we have a variety of party favors to celebrate your demise, so buy up already, and make the most use of your death to inject one last burst of cash into Red State ™ coffers.

Question: My doctor left his wrist watch wrapped around my colon while he was operating on me, what can I do?

Answer: Well, that's great, isn't it? We imagine you can feel it ticking, second after second, as the hands rotate around. Think of it as a good thing though, because (at least until the batteries wear down) you now have a built-in chronometer! You'll always know how long a second takes to elapse, which will help in a number of applications through life.

As for getting rid of that watch, we're afraid you're stuck with it. As long as it's not a life-threatening situation, we here at Red State ™ Health Insurance aren't about to do anything; after all, If God Didn't Want It There, He Wouldn't Have Arranged It To Be is our Service Mark! These things happen, and the sooner you get used to your bowels vibrating at 1 Hz, the better.

And don't even bother with a lawsuit. Thanks to Red State ™ Health Insurance tort reform, the most you're going to get out of a doctor for malpractice is enough to cover a cheese burger. You see, we here at Red State ™ Health Insurance don't believe doctors should be liable for mistakes of any sort. They save so many lives after all, what's an error here or there? If you want to make an omelet...

Question: I was dropped off my company's policy simply for being old, what can Red State ™ do for me?

Answer: silly old person, Red State ™ Health Insurance has no use for the old or infirm, or even remotely unhealthy. Suck it up and hope you don't get sick. But just keep in mind that you better not try to end things by yourself. Attempted suicide is a crime that is punishable by life in prison, thanks to legal reforms pushed by Red State ™ Health Insurance.

You're supposed to die alone and in pain, in the miserable way God always wanted you to!

firebomb@obnoxiousjerk.com