Advice for the Superstitious.
January 7th, 2010
I sometimes consider, what with my abysmal luck getting a job either as an electronic technician or web site marketer of any stripe, that perhaps it's time I start yet another new career. I hate starting from the ground up, as it were, but for fuck's sake. Thanks to the former Party in Power, nobody is hiring for anything. Unless you want to work at Burger King, it seems.
And I really don't want to work at Burger King.
So I got to thinking. What can a generally angry and reclusive person with at least marginal writing skills do to make money? Apparently there's a whole lot of stupid people who still believe in this whole astrology thing, so I wonder. I wonder if I'd make a good astrologist. All you have to do is make shit up, really, and give people advice in a cryptic fashion that could apply to anyone.
So without further ado:
Horoscopes by Firebomb (that's me!)
Capricorn: one of your subordinates is actively plotting your demise. They want what you have and they're more than ready to take it from you. Gird your loins and shower all of your minions with gifts - they'll appreciate you that much more once you deal with your would-be replacement.
Aquarius: you really shouldn't have stopped school yet, you know - there's at least one more degree that would fit you better than what you've got now. You should think about going back and starting over. Maybe a couple of night courses?
Pisces: you have a secret admirer. Maybe two! Perhaps you should wear something sexy to work and see if you can draw them out. They may be horrifying but at the very least you might get some chocolates out of the hassle. Mmm chocolates...
Aries: I know they're pushing all of your buttons, but don't let them win. It's a pain in the ass but your tormentors are about to self-destruct spectacularly! Just stand by for a little bit longer and all of your problems will dissolve like molten butter.
Taurus: you should really get off your ass and do some cleaning. That mess may have built up for quite a while now but you need to do something about that before it gets any worse. You never know, that special someone might give you some hot lovin' if you do!
Gemini: just do it already. That motherfucker has been asking for it for a very long time now, and you both know it. Stop beating around the bush and end it... harshly. Make a Statement.
Cancer: let it go already. We know that you're annoyed about what they said back in grade school but people are really getting sick and tired of your bad attitude. You've already lost three friends over this, though you may not know just which friends yet.
Leo: good grief, you've been a prima donna lately. We all know how great you are and are impressed by your accomplishments, but c'mon. Bragging it up incessantly is just being assy, and you don't need to prove how much of an ass you are - we all know.
Virgo: you do realize that if you don't stop picking at that plate, you're never going to finish what's on it. It may not be the tastiest of meals but man up and finish it - it's good for you! And stop with the cup cakes already; ten a day is too much!
Libra: everyone knows you're a special snowflake. Did you know that everyone knows this already, and is simply tired of you demonstrating just how 'special' you really are? Try this: take a day without putting your wants above everyone else's, and watch what happens.
Scorpio: you are one tricksy devil. That scheme you played out last week, nobody even knew you were behind that! Try it again next month - and keep it up until people figure out what's going on. After all, if you can keep fooling them, that'll give you time to perfect the idea.
Sagittarius: did you know? You're being unnecessarily stubborn. It's putting off someone important in your life, and this just might cost you a whole lot of money down the line. Quit being such an ass-hat and suck it up - you'll totally thank yourself later.
So there. There is your advice to live by. If you are a superstitious twit, you simply must take my advice to heart - and act upon it. Especially you, you Geminis in the audience. I want to hear your Statements all over the national news today!