Random Things 3

March 31, 2009

Some random things that come to mind.

* The last time I rambled randomly I ranted about people and their shitty fucking answering machines, and this time will be no exception. I've been noticing a distressing similarity in a lot of the retarded jesus freak messages of late, and I have to admit I don't quite get it. It seems a lot of them want to end their GO TO HELL spiel with 'BE BLESSED IN THE LORD'. What the FUCK is this?

Be blessed. IN. The Lord. Am I supposed to be 'inside' your god? Are you inviting me to fuck your invisible space pixie? And we all know you toasties are adamant that it's a MALE god and not a FEMALE one. So you're telling me to gay it up with your GOD? It's okay for you to say 'gays are going to hell' and blah blah and yet you want me to bugger your boogeyman? And you motherfuckers think I have issues.

* Me and the Taco Bell people are apparently having a War of of the Forks. A while back I bitched about the retards giving me a fork for an item that explicitly calls for the use of a spoon. Or at the very least a spork. So now, as it turns out, they won't give me either. Apparently I'm supposed to just shovel a bowl of beans into my mouth with my bare hands. Or just upend the whole fucking thing.

I fucking swear one of these days I will climb through their drive through window and force feed the mutant at the register a fucking bowl of the goddamn shit. You don't sound like you believe me but you're going to hear about it on The Smoking Gun or something. 'Pintos 'n Cheese Killer Strikes Again'. Or just see a picture of some hairy whack-job shoving a bowl of beans into someone's mouth. Sideways.

* I understand the need for the old amongst us to work, don't get me wrong - I'm getting older by the day and I wouldn't mind getting some regular income going on again - that'd be nice. But here's the deal. If you're pushing fucking 110 years old, perhaps a career in the fast-paced, fast-food industry is not for you. I don't give a fuck if you have medical bills, we both know you can't operate a register.

Not one of those new-fangled things with more than fifteen buttons, that's for fucking sure. And a touch screen? Forget it. We both know you can't focus on the glowing sigils on the screen that say HEY PUSH THIS FUCKING BUTTON IF THE FUCKING CUSTOMER WANTS A FUCKING WHOPPER, OKAY? We also know you'd much rather argue with the customer for fifteen minutes because he didn't order what you would have.

* Recently ADT apparently paid some firm a whole lot of money to 'prepare me to transition into a new career field'. This was a service that they were happily providing the employees they recently fucked up the ass by firing them in order to be able to pay for their sponsorship of the Stanley Cup, as it would turn out. 'Here, have a pittance, so we can you know, not even have to pretend we feel bad about what we did to y'all.'

I should have been using my paranoid lunatic thinking cap, because bullshit doublespeak like that can only come from a human resources stooge. And sure as shit, this company gladly proclaimed to me that yes, they are the largest grouping of human resources professionals in the world. In the world. Knowing by now just how I feel about those shit ticks, you can imagine how happy I was to be there for three hours.

And they gave me HOMEWORK. MDK MDK MDK

Previous Random Things:

Random Things 2 - July 25, 2008.

Random Things 1 - July 10, 2008.

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