Stealth Liberal.

March 23rd, 2016

I have not gone digging for organs. Not today. Not yet.

I am a political ninja.

It's amazing. I can be minding my own business, just trying to get through work without planting my murder shovel into someone's face, at which point someone will invariably approach me. Were I away from this awful building, I might think that they were going to hit me up for money, but that does admittedly happen here, as well. They at least carry a collection bucket when they do, though.

No, my problem is that my coworkers feel the need to affirm that everyone else thinks like they do, so they will come up to me and start raving about something or other, apropos of nothing. It's like I radiate false psychic teabagger radiation or something, because they're compelled to gibber at me, at length, about whatever it is that is currently driving their tiny, tiny little fears.

One in particular, which I thought was a sensible human being until yesterday afternoon, came up to me and exclaimed that he's worried that 'they' are going to come over to America and start killing people. I had to process this for a few moments before I realized that the most recent bombing in Brussels had prompted this sudden, irrational fear of Muslims coming to America to kill 'us'.

I find this fascinating. For one thing, Americans are doing a perfectly good job of killing Americans as it is. We don't need help from ISIS or any other terrorist scum, because we've got more than enough homegrown nutjobs right here. As for his fear of Muslims, that's cute. How many Americans have been killed by Muslims? A few thousand? And how many have been killed by Christians? Go count, I'll wait.

My Murder Shovel helps me kill people. It's one of my bestest buddies.

Though I may be here a while.

The usual suspects aren't any better. The Knowitall Conservative was going on and on about how the Clintons are supposedly so corrupt, and yet wants to proclaim that Chris Christie, of all people, is a paragon of corruption-busting integrity. It's amazing how many things these people miss when stuck inside the Infowars echo chamber. But then, they think Obama's coming for their guns.

I know the Tea Party Princess does. She was panicking about this again, for some reason. Even if our President wanted to come into everyone's house and personally relieve them of their firearms, do you really think our Congress, as it currently exists, would sign off on any of that? They can't be bothered to do their actual job, much less anything else the President wants them to do.

I'm not sure why I have to be the target of all this manic exposition on a daily basis. On the plus side, I think Professor Beatshiskids has gotten the hint that I am not about to put up with one of his heavy-handed sermons. My eyes almost roll out of my head when he's lecturing to other people about the Bible or whatever, which is amusing considering how little he actually seems to understand it.

The headphones going into my ears as soon as he starts might be a 'tell'. Isn't that what they call it in poker, when you give yourself away with your expression and/or behavior? Yes, a tell. I need to start manufacturing more of these, so the clowns around me will stop using me as their sounding board for the awful garbage swilling around inside their defective brains.

No, I don't think what you think, and you are, in fact, horrible for thinking it. Buzz off.

firebomb@obnoxiousjerk.com