Emo Day.

January 28th, 2016

Yeah, I feel like poo. Sorry, everyone has emo days.

I believe one of the greatest things person can be aware of is their true nature, what they really are. I've had a lot of time to sit here and ponder this subject while at work, grinding away all of these overtime hours, and I've come to a conclusion about myself in this regard. Simply put, I'm pretty sure that what I am is a completely awful person, both inside and out.

For one thing, I'm forty two years old, and still in absolutely deplorable physical condition. I've never bothered to get myself in good shape, and I'm certain this has nothing to do with either the fact that my body fights me at every turn, or a few pervasive health issues I've fought forever. No, I think it ultimately comes down to the fact that I've just never really, truly applied myself to it.

I am making an attempt now, to be sure, but I keep letting myself slide when I shouldn't. I can maintain my discipline on food / calorie intake for about a week, and then... something happens. Sure, it's easy to make excuses like 'I was really really hungry' or 'one can't hurt that much', but the truth is I'm an adult, and I should be able to get a handle on the stupid little things I do to sabotage myself.

I think this finally beat its way into my conscious mind last week, when we were watching that horrible 'My 600 Lb. Life' program. Or whatever it's called. It covered a few people trying to get their act together after getting up to, well, six hundred pounds. I found myself increasingly infuriated by the antics of these folks, and on hindsight, I think it was because I saw too much of myself on display.

The other thing is that, one would think that by this time in my life, I could actually communicate with others without inflicting undue distress. This happened yet again last week, when an offhand comment on something was immediately construed as a personal attack. That wasn't the intent, but as always, I just can't seem to express a thought without hurting other people.

So maybe it's a good thing that I'm patently uncomfortable and in actual physical pain right now. I probably deserve it. You would think that I would try to learn from all these incidents and be a 'better person'. The problem is that these things inevitably happen whenever I allow myself to be complacent and relax, even if just a little bit. I actually figured this out the last time it happened.

Sadly, however, the lesson apparently didn't sink in, and I eventually let my guard down once more. So, to make a long story short, what this really means that I have to be on my toes all the time, lest I evince my inner, staggeringly inept bungler.

I'm really going to try and take the lesson to heart, this time. I intend to fervently stick to the weight loss plan I'm currently on, as it appears to work when I let it, and I'm going to keep my internal editing equipment running constantly so that maybe, just maybe, I can ostensibly simulate something approaching a decent human being.

I may not ever be able to let my guard down, but that's likely a small price to pay. One would think with all the role playing games I've indulged in over my lifetime, I'd be able to assume the persona of someone who isn't an awful waste of flesh and real estate. Sort of like Hannibal Lecter, I guess, wearing a 'person suit' so nobody ever learns what he really is.

It's worth a shot, I guess. Nothing else has helped thus far.

firebomb@obnoxiousjerk.com